There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
