is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
