Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
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