Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
