i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
