I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
