the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I still have a little drunk in my system
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Randomize
