ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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