I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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