put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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