Midget sex pt 2 tonight
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Randomize
