but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
