Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
