very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
