I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Randomize
