I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
my god I love twenty year old dicks
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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