yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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