I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
