Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
