Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
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