So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
