Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
