I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
