I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
