I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
