She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
