I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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