I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
