Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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