Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
