there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
