I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
