Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
I am midnight drunk by noon
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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