When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
