I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
