wanna go halves on a baby?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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