I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
