If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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