The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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