just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize