went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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