I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
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