i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
