i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
