i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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