so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
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