Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
