did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dignity is for republicans.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
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