Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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