i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
