Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
