alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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