I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Randomize
