Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I have tasted many bathrooms
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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