so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
