Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Randomize
