I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
