The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
