I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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