i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
