I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
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You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
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I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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