did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Randomize
