Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
The beer is more important than you right now.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
