I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
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