can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Randomize
